I'm probably going to fail.

Yesterday I made, what use to be bi-weekly trips, my first trip to Boarders, the bookstore down the street from my apartment. As I always do, I walked straight back to the sports section just to see if there was anything new that I should purchase, and after finding nothing that I particularly wanted (this Boarders has the absolute worse sports section of my life), I moseyed my way over to the magazine section and grabbed a few periodicals, the ones I always reach for while at any book store – Esquire, SPIN, SLAM, Complex, Rolling Stone and XXL.

I tend to make trips to the bookstores when my frustrations mount up to become stress and my stress, in turn, becomes unbearable. There is something about being surrounded by some of the world’s greatest writings that sets my mind at ease. Don’t ask why, but magazines, reading writers whose jobs I desperately want but will never have, help to take the pressures of being a 21-year-old college student away – and those pressures, now more than ever, are coming down hard on me for no reason apparent to me.

After picking up my favorites off the racks, I walked over to the table I always sit at while there and opened up the first magazine on the top of my stack, Esquire. As with every magazine I read, I opened straight to the table of contents to check out what features I might want to read. The cover story, a guest column by Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert, was on the ‘victimization of white men in America.’ I know he’s not to be taken seriously, and it’s a feature I’d normally read, but with my mind set, I dismissed the idea of reading it knowing it would probably just piss me off, and nothing is worse that stress and fury. However, I did skip to page 98 to check out the Paula Patton feature. I don’t have many celebrity crushes, but this woman has definitely captured my imagination. As I slid Esquire off to the side, I simultaneously moved SPIN in front of me and pretty much closed it just as fast as it was opened. I checked their album reviews and moved on. XXL was next in my quickly depreciating pile of mags. T.I.’s bum ass was on the cover. Under any other circumstances, I would have placed his ass back on the rack but Busta Rhymes name was on the cover. There was a cool story on Papoose but the one on Busta had me much less excited about his up coming album. Fucking reading, man. I grabbed the big magazine next. The cover was nothing but Barack Obama cheesing and the Rolling Stone logo behind his head. However, I didn’t even get to the Obama story, I read this expose on Amy Winehouse (biggest waste of talent since Lauryn Hill) and a Q&A with Nas (hopefully I’ll be seeing him live for the first time on Friday!).

All of this lead me to Complex and an article they had on James McAvoy (actor from The Last King of Scotland and Atonement) and Common. I didn’t read the whole thing, in fact, I didn’t even get through the first page for two reasons: One, I always read the questions of an interview before reading it, and the questions of their particular article were way too corny for me to every want to read it in it’s entirety (if I ever land a gig at some magazine you have full permission to kick the fuck out of my shins if I ever ask something as corny as “What kind of super power would you want?”). The second reason being Common’s answer to a much better question. He was asked what he felt was the value of nihilistic art whether in hip hop or in movies and he responded saying: “I’m an advocate for hope and I always feel like there’s hope; I don’t know why, that’s just what I believe. I don’t know if it’s my spiritual belief that makes me know it’s always hope, but I definitely didn’t feel that Wanted (the movie both he and McAvoy are promoting) left no hope.”

After reading that quote I stopped to think, as if realizing something that I didn’t know, even thought it’s something I definitely knew about myself, but the quote seemed to resonate with me on another level because of my current life situations. Common (and also Nas in his Q&A interview in Rolling Stone) said that the always feels that there is hope, in any situation, and it might be because of his spiritual beliefs (meaning religion) and I realized (again) that because of my own faith (sports) I have become unequivocally pessimistic and normally have no hope in every situation. Christian’s have the ability to gain their optimism from the word of God knowing if you put your faith in Him, good things are sure to come. Unfortunately for me, I put my faith in the Lakers, Raiders, Giants, USC and UNC and well, as much of myself as I put into those teams, things don’t always turn out right. Since I came into this world in January of 1987, there have been 104 different title opportunities for my favorite teams and there and only eight and a half of them have been actually converted into titles (I say eight and a half because USC shared their 2004 title with Auburn). How can one stay optimistic when all of his time and energy is put into something is constantly disappointing him? He can’t – which is why when he is let down by other worldly forces, it doesn’t bother him.

I always assume the worse in people, and I’d really like to not to, but it’s just a habit that has been started by professional and collegiate athletics and has carried over to various real-life situations. I feel like I’m very much alone in this world because my pessimism has turned into distrust (something I generally don’t regret) and me being shut off (something others generally feel I should regret). Sometimes I wish I had hope. I wonder what it’s like having an optimistic attitude toward life in general, but that just would be me. I just don’t, how do homophobe’s say it, swing that way. And because of it, I’ll probably never be successful, but I just don’t think I will be. Everyone I know who has had their share of life successes are all very optimistic people, and this was the most discerning part of my though process while I sat at my table with the latest edition of Complex open right in front of me. I’m never going to be successful – and I thought I was scared of the future before. Maybe, hopefully (there’s that word again) these people are just optimistic because things have turned out for the better for them individually, I mean, maybe if I had a few good hands in life’s game of poker maybe I’d be a bit different. Maybe I should just throw away sports? Fuck that. I need them. I’m stopping now. Stream of consciousness is getting me no where.

Also, I’ve decided that if I’m going to be a better sports journalist, or just a better journalist period, I need to start writing more in a journalistic style. In fact, I haven’t written anything that I’d put in my newspaper (Ed in Chief in the Fall! For some reason, I’m excited about this now, we’ll see how I’m feeling about this in August) aside from that piece I wrote on Jordan. Speaking of that piece on Jordan, I should be writing another basketball article using a communication theory soon, either on the fan-superstar relationship, the loyalty the fan has with the superstar and the hatred of other super stars in the league, or why the Knicks didn’t work with Isaiah Thomas running the show (something that should be written quickly). I just have so much I want to write about, so much I want to accomplish, so many things I want to experience but I just have the stark feeling that these things just aren’t going to happen for me. I just don’t see a successful future, at least not in what I want to do: write about sports, the reason I don’t think I’ll be successful in the first place. Ironic, isn’t it?

Stay Hideous
-PB

(Word count to date: 39,084
61 days and 60 ,916 words to go)