Hmm... That's funny -- I didn't know that was something to complain about

I’ve pretty much categorized everything I hate into four categories: foods, sports teams, people who I can’t stand for some reasons I don’t need to get into and people who complain about shit they don’t need to complain about.

I’ve been living in Bakersfield and the amount of complaining about shit that they don’t need to be complaining about has been unprecedented. I mean, it’s shit that I’d be happy to have in my life. You know, things like the ability to stay with their parents and not pay rent in college? What the fuck do you have to complain about? You have two fucking parents willing to help you out, help you save up money while you’re in college getting educated free of charge. Not only that, but you get to go home to home-cooked meals. That shit is a fucking luxury in college. Get over yourself if you can’t appreciate that shit.

On top of all of that, about 90 percent of the people complaining about having to live with their parents have both of their parents at home. In 2009, having both of your parents by the time you’re college aged is a fucking commodity you better be happy you have. I’d give almost anything to be able to have both of my parents around – together. Fuck you and don’t complain to me about shit if you’re not paying for shit outside of a fucking phone bill and get to go home to both of your damn parents after you get out of class. That shit is fucking absurd.

I can’t fathom why anyone would ever not want to be home just because their parents weren’t there. I know not everyone is going to have a great relationship with their parents, but you don’t ever know how long you’re going to have the ability to physically see your parents. Hell, I know people who don’t even have parents.

Oh, and one more thing, I know the economy is really fucked up, but get the hell over it. As far as I’m concerned, the economy has been fucked up for the last 22 years. My family has never really had shit, but I feel like I’ve lived a pretty amazing life thus far. If you can’t go on that cruise to Mexico or you can’t get that new Scion that you’ve been wanting “since forever,” get the fuck over it and get some funny friends. I promise you’ll get over it.

I just wish people learned how to appreciate shit. I know I have little to nothing by American standards, but I feel like, in world so consumed with commercialism that I have a lot. I just think, if I really don’t have anything to complain about (which I do considering the complaints I hear), than you don’t have anything to complain about. Suck it up or leave me alone. I’m just not listening to that bullshit anymore.

Finding the ultimate Samuel Jackson Experience [pt. 1]

Samuel L. Jackson is an icon; this much we know. Throughout his career he has given us myriad amazing performances that have left us shocked, confused and dying of laughter. Because Jackson’s iconography is universal among movie-goers, I’ve decided to go on a conjectural quest to find the movie that gave us the quintessential Sam Jackson performance. I’ve broken things down into four categories:

1. Hair style (included facial hair)
2. Memorable lines
3. Unusual circumstances (will vary significantly from movie to movie)
4. Overall quality of film

The hairstyle, memorable line and unusual circumstances categories will be out of 30 points and the overall quality of film section will be out of 10 points making it 100 possible points for each movie. As I watch the movies, I’ll write short reviews and the movie with the highest score will be deemed the ultimate Sam Jackson experience.

I’ve watched five SLJ movies in the past two weeks and I’ll be doing these reviews two at a time. Being reviewed today: Lake View Terrace and Jumper.

Lake View Terrace:
When I first saw the previews for this movie I have to say that I was extremely excited to see it because it had the potential to be one of the funniest movies of all time, and I have to say that I was pretty disappointed with the outcome. The movie is about an interracial couple who move in next door to a cop (Sam Jackson) who doesn’t appreciate their relationship because his wife died while with a white man while she should have been at work. The couple struggles to live a peaceful life with the cop interfering with their everyday life activities.

Hair Style: 10 pts
In this movie Sam Jackson is bald. I think he has a mustache, I don’t really feel like looking it up. I originally gave this only seven points, but looking back, he’s a weird looking bald-headed dude and that adds to the unintentional comedy.

Memorable lines: 18 pts
This would have been a lot higher if I actually remembered what he said verbatim or if I remembered why he said it, but he did say something along the lines of, “You better tell that talkative bitch to shut-up!” Of course, this line had me dying, but days later, I can’t really remember the exact words, so it can’t be scored too high.

Unusual circumstances: 26 pts
There was one specific scene where Jackson catches his daughter in the new neighbors’ backyard dancing and having a good time. This leads to him unbuttoning his police uniform, pulling down his pants and dancing in his boxers. After his daughter goes of on her “you’re embarrassing and stay out of my life” spiel, Jackson cocks back and slaps the fuck out of her. I wish I had more hands so I could have gave that scene four thumbs up. Absolutely hilarious.

Overall quality of film: 6 pts
I was able to follow the film without getting too bored, but I expected much more from a film with Sam Jackson and this premise. It wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t too good either. Average films get average scores.

Overall score: 60 pts
The score was definitely hurt by Jackson being bald. Bad move for those directors in the future who ending up casting Jackson in a major role.

Jumper
Jumper is something that I originally had no interest in because the premise seemed incredibly ridiculous. The trailor had a tone that I felt could only be appreciated by guys who played that Magic card game in middle school (so embarrassing). The idea is there are people in the world who have the ability to transport anywhere in the world at any time and there are people who will do anything in their power to stop these “jumpers.” Incredibly corny to say the least.

Hair Style: 26 pts
This is about the only thing that the movie got right, Sam Jackson has a short cut dyed silver a la a mid-90s Sisqo. What would possess anyone to dye their hair silver – or require Sam Jackson to do so. I don’t know, but what I do know is that it’s hilarious. To be honest, this may have been the only reason I decided to watch the movie – the only reason.

Memorable lines: 1 pt
The only line I can remember him saying is, “Only God should have the ability to be all places at all times!” I would have given this a zero if he didn’t yell that line.

Unusual Circumstances: 0 pts
Granted, this movie was unusual to say the least, but there was no point in this movie where Jackson did something that wasn’t expected nor did he do anything that was unusual within the underlining pretext of the film.

Overall quality of film: 3 pts
The movie was just interesting enough for me to have the ability to sit through it. I thought about giving it a four, but that would have made the over all score a 31, and well, Reggie Miller has annoyed the hell out of me these past couple of years.

Overall Score: 30 pts
This score was hurt by the movie being border-line awful in all aspects. Jackson’s role is just want you don’t want from him. We need more yelling, we need more hilarious lines and we need the unexpected to happen… however, this wasn’t even close to the worst Sam Jackson movie I’ve seen in the past two weeks.

Up Next: Soul Men and Amos and Andrew