With the NBA Draft looming just hours away, Celia Kelly and Phillip Barnett have decided that it was time for them to run through picks 1 through 30 and give their own unorthodox Mock Draft. The picks were made via AIM, so enjoy the conversation in its entirety, un-cut. (Children under 17 are not allowed without parental supervision.)
Phillip: We should do a fantasy NBA draft, but with no basketball players
Celia: Wait what?
Celia: I’m confused?
Phillip: Instead of drafting basketball players, we should have the teams draft like celebrities or something based on what they need
Phillip: Just making fun of the draft really
Celia: Okay.
Celia: Give me an example.
Phillip: I don't really have one yet haha
Celia: Lame
Celia: Think about your idea before you start pitching it
Celia: LOL
Phillip: I just saw this mock draft on ESPN.com and thought about it haha
Phillip: Calm down
1. On the Clock: Chicago Bulls
Celia: Can we use regular people?
Celia: Like the bulls should draft me because I’m a boss?
Phillip: hahahahahahaha
Celia: I’m not kidding
Phillip: Do they need a boss?
Celia: Yes.
Celia: Everyone needs a boss
Celia: Are you kidding?
Phillip: Then they should most definitely draft you
Celia: Exactly.
Celia: Everybody needs me actually.
Celia: But the only place I'd go is Chicago
Phillip: lololololol
Phillip: See, it’s already hilarious
2. On the Clock: Miami Heat
Celia: Your turn.
Celia: Who is Miami drafting?
Celia: Star Jones?
Phillip: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Celia: I’m serious.
Phillip: hahahahahahahahahahaha
Phillip: You’re too good at this.
Celia: Somebody has to keep D. Wade healthy next season since his wife left his ass.
Celia: Rawr... (cougar sound)
Phillip: hahahahahaha
Phillip: I think if we wrote it conversational style and just had the list of who the teams drafted at the end, it would be fucking hilarious.
Celia: Agreed.
Celia: Let’s just copy and paste this conversation.
Phillip: hahahaha
Phillip: With the hahahas and lolololols too
Celia: Okay I'm winning I have the first two.
Celia: Yeeeahhh
Celia: With the lol's and hahaha's
3. On the Clock: Minnesota Timberwolves
Celia: Your turn...
Celia: Minnesota...
Celia: They're next right?
Phillip: Yeah
Phillip: I wish I was better at this
Phillip: hahahahahahaha
Celia: C'mon lefty.
Celia: Minnesota??
Celia: I know I know Mrs. Butterworth
Phillip: I was thinking Aunt Jemima
Celia: Ms. Butterworth is trying to make a comeback with that Geico Commercial
Phillip: We have to go Aunt Jemima, she’s obviously more athletic
Celia: What, look at the bottles! Mrs. Butterworth actually has a body.
Phillip: Aunt Jemima has a body too. She’s wearing a dress.
Celia: No she’s not. She’s wearing an apron.
Phillip: An apron over her dress
Celia: No. Just an apron
Phillip: hahahaha just an apron with no back
Celia: Ew.
Phillip: It’s obvious that Butterworth is white and Aunt Jemima is black. Jemima is going to be more athletic whereas Butterworth will have that silky smooth jumpshot.
Celia: How do you know she’s white? You’ve never seen her.
Phillip: I heard her on the commercial. She’s white. I mean, look at her hair.
Celia: Just because she has that perm doesn’t mean shit
Phillip: She doesn’t have a perm
Celia: Yes she does, she has that Just For Me kit
Phillip: hahahahahaha
Celia: How do you know Butterworth is white?
Phillip: Butterworth is a white last name
Celia: Aunt Jemima is Mexican
Phillip: What? Hahahaha Jemima is a super ethnic name. You can find Jemimas in ghettos across the nation
Celia: Jemima is a Mexican name. I know a whole bunch of Mexicans named Jemima.
Phillip: Hahahaha No you don’t. Besides, if she was Mexican, she would be Tia Jemima.
Celia: hahahahahaha
Celia: Brook Lopez’s aunt is Tia Jemima
Celia: I have some Tia Jemima at home
Phillip: Hahahaha
Celia: They sell that at the Mercado Latino
Phillip: What is that?
Celia: It’s the Mexican Montgomery Ward
Celia: How have you never heard of it?
Phillip: Why would I ever want to go there?
Celia: I don’t know. You know all kinds of Mexicans
Celia: Ask Wendy if she’s ever been there. No, ask her if she’s ever worked there.
Phillip: I’m not asking her shit.
Celia: Ask her if she’s ever been to Ranch Market. I’m sure she used to work there.
Phillip: What does the Ranch Market have to do with anything?
Celia: Just ask if she use to work there.
Celia: But Mrs. Butterworth already a spokes person for Geico. They need someone to bring attention to them since KG is gone. They’ll get all kinds of endorsements because of her.
Phillip: Whatevuh (in Charles Barkley’s voice). We’ll go Butterworth. Moving on.
4. On the Clock: Seattle Supersonics
Celia: Okay who's next?
Phillip: Seattle
Celia: ohhhhh....
Celia: Magic Johnson.
Phillip: What? LOLOL why?
Celia: He's putting all those damn Starbucks up in the hood.
Celia: He has to be some kind of good to the team.
Celia: That and they need a point guard.
Celia: If Kevin Durant is going to average 40 next season.
Celia: That one is up for change though... Until I find a better one.
Celia: They should probably draft Seattle
Phillip: They?
Phillip: I think Seattle should get Ice Cube
Celia: Seattle should draft the city.
Celia: Ice Cube why?
Phillip: He was the best barber on barber shop, and Kevin Durant really needs a barber
Celia: Good call.
5. On the Clock: Memphis Grizzlies
Phillip: Memphis
Celia: Sammy Davis Junior
Phillip: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG hahahahahaha
Phillip: Explain yourself
Celia: I don’t have a reason.
Celia: Just thought he'd fit well there.
Celia: Next
Phillip: You almost made me spit out Gatorade all over my computer when you said 'I don’t have a reason.'
Celia: They didn’t have a reason for trading Pau.
Celia: So it’s even.
Celia: Right?
6. On the Clock: New York Knicks (Note: To avoid future confusion this pick was made after the draft was completed)
Phillip: New York is next
Celia: Oh God this is easy.
Celia: Spike Lee
Phillip: I can go with that
Celia: Good.
Celia: But I'm sure I’ll come up with a better one.
Celia: You’re going to New York because that’s your favorite team
Phillip: What? They’re not my favorite team
Celia: Yes they are.
Celia: They need some more light skinned niggas over there
Phillip: I’ll be the second coming of John Starks
Phillip: Wait, I thought I was already being drafted to Toronto
Celia: Well, you’re being traded, for nothing. Toronto doesn’t get a pick because they’re in Canada.
Phillip: hahahahahahaha
7. On the Clock: Los Angeles Clippers
Phillip: Clippers
Celia: Hummm....
Phillip: I think they should draft Moses
Celia: hahahahahahaha
Phillip: They need miracles over there
Celia: You're getting it!!!
Celia: Yay!!
Phillip: haha
Celia: I can’t remember who I was going to say.
8. On the Clock: Milwaukee Bucks
Phillip: Pillsbury or the Hamburger Helper Glove?
Celia: I’m for the glove
Celia: Because he has hands
Phillip: He doesn’t have hands, he is a hand
Phillip: Pillsbury has hands
Celia: No he's overweight
Celia: He wouldn’t make it past pre camp
Phillip: If Eddie Curry can make it past pre-camp, Pillsbury can
Celia: Naw man
Celia: Pillsbury is short and fat
Celia: Who needs that?
Phillip: Fans love that though
Celia: The glove is right handed and left handed
Celia: Beat that
Phillip: hahahahaha
Phillip: Milwaukee needs fan support
Celia: Do you know how many people love the glove?
Phillip: Pillsbury will be what Khlid El Amin would have been
Celia: Naw cuz
Phillip: You don’t even like hamburger helper!
Celia: Actually I hate it.
Celia: But what does that mean?
Phillip: And Jay-Z dissed the Glove
Celia: I hate the Lakers but i watch them.
Celia: YEAH he did
Phillip: hahahahaha
Phillip: Pillsbury would be a beast on the boards
Celia: How?
Celia: He can't even jump high
Phillip: Just like Charles Barkley
Phillip: Are you kidding?
Celia: If it were me I'd just tickle his ass
Celia: Done.
Phillip: I'm going to have to find you that commercial where he shows off his hops
Phillip: hahaha
Celia: Naw man
Celia: That doesn’t exist
Celia: This mutha fucka makes biscuits and cookies
Celia: He's a fat ass
Celia: The glove is making meals
Celia: For low income homes.
Celia: He's a philanthropist
Celia: Beat that.
Phillip: hahahahahaha
Phillip: NBA Cares
Phillip: He's already on it
Celia: See.
Celia: I win cuz.
Phillip: LOLOLOL
Celia: you lose.
Phillip: Calm down wodi
Celia: You calm down.
Phillip: I stay calm
Celia: No you don't
Phillip: When have I ever not been calm?
Celia: Everyday.
Phillip: whoa whoa whoa
Celia: Anyway.
9. On the Clock: Charlotte Bobcats
Phillip: The Bobcats
Celia: MJ
Phillip: Somehow I knew you were going to say that.
Celia: Micheal Jackson
Celia: Not Jordan
Phillip: Again, I almost spit Gatorade all over this computer.
Celia: hahahahahaha
Celia: He has the same initials... and he has mad defense... see that old video when they played one on one
Phillip: I have the picture of them playing on my myspace
Celia: Yes.
Celia: Classic
Celia: Next
10. On the Clock: New Jersey Nets
Phillip: The Nets
Celia: Memphis Bleek
Phillip: I was thinking Beanie Siegel
Celia: Beans is a better one.
Celia: Good job
Phillip: Because of that kanye line...
Celia: Which one?
Phillip: I have to think of it, but it's something about him dunking
Celia: That and he'd be hilarious playing basketball
Phillip: hahaha
Celia: Okay
Phillip: I'm going to find it real quick
Celia: Good
Phillip: "...when I kicked the flow, it was like a pick and roll/ cuz even if he gave me the ROC, it's give and go/ I guess Beans' style was more of a slam dunk/ and my shit was more like a finger roll/ but I got them singles yo..."
Celia: Yesss
Celia: So beans?
Phillip: Yeahhhhhhh
Celia: Boss
11. On the Clock: Indiana Pacers
Celia: Who's next?
Phillip: The Pacers lol
Celia: Ed the Sports Fan
Celia: hahahahahahahahahaha
Celia: Post that picture of him when he was a kid
Celia: In that basketball uniform
Celia: hhahahahahahahaha
Phillip: I knew you were going to say that hahahaha
Celia: Is that why you said lol?
Phillip: Yeah
Celia: ok
Phillip: p.s. ABA titles don’t count lol
Celia: LOL
12. On the Clock: Sacramento Kings
Phillip: The kings are next
Celia: Damn.
Celia: Ummm
Celia: Ron Artest’s R&B group he manages
Celia: That way he won’t miss anymore games
Phillip: hahahahaha
Phillip: Or maybe the other members of B2K so he can manage them too
Celia: That works.
Celia: Like Raz-B or something.
Phillip: hahahah perfect
Phillip: I'm not going to stop laughing at Raz-B now hahaha
Celia: hahahahahaha
13. On the Clock: Portland Trailblazers
Celia: Portland is up.
Phillip: Aiight
Phillip: Jailblazers
Phillip: They need to go back to their roots
Celia: Kunta Kinte
Phillip: ROOOOOOOOTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Celia: hahahahahahahahaha
Phillip: Fucking Hilarious hahahahaha
Phillip: That is going to be so funny when we write this out conversational style
Celia: I know.
Celia: Damn.
Celia: Kunta Kinte...hahahahaha
Celia: Roots.
Celia: hahahahahaha
Celia: Who's up next.
14. On the Clock: Golden State Warriors
Phillip: Warriors
Celia: Mickey Mouse
Phillip: I'm thinking Uncle Ben
Phillip: Mickey Mouse hahahahaha
Celia: Uncle Ben?!
Celia: Why?
Phillip: I don't know, he’s already in the area
Celia: Who is Uncle Ben? The rice guy?
Celia: He's from The Bay?
Celia: Or we could use Dr. Jackson.
Celia: She's available.
Phillip: Wait, what rice is 'The San Francisco Treat?"
Phillip: hahahahahahahahaha
Phillip: Jackson!!!!!!!
Celia: I don’t know
Celia: LOL
Celia: Jackson.
Celia: She goes dumb
Phillip: Jackson and B-Diddy would be unstoppable
Phillip: I don’t know how she slipped so far
Celia: I was saying Mickey because if he was around all the time Boom Dizzle would concentrate on getting to the playoffs
Phillip: hhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa
Celia: If he saw him on the regular he wouldn’t be so excited to take his family there when season's over.
Celia: Ya diggg?
Phillip: hahahahahahahaha
Celia: So which one? Jackson or Mickey?
Phillip: Great explanation
Celia: Or maybe not even Mickey... lets just draft Disney Scene-It.
Celia: It’s all the characters.
Celia: Like going to Disney Land at home
Phillip: hahahaha
Phillip: Pretty much
Celia: Does it have to be a real person?
Celia: Could it be a board game?
Phillip: Hell yeah it could be a bored game.
Phillip: No to it having to be a real person.
Celia: Okay.
Celia: Boss.
Celia: Next
(You can check out the rest of our first round picks at talkhoops.net. I won't count these words. Still where I was last time. I'll be back soon.)