Twilight Zone

Before I get into today’s blog, I just wanted to let you know that Saturday’s blog was posted this morning because of a couple technical difficulties. It happens. Without further ado, here’s my blog for the day:

He walked out of the front door playing with the keys in his hand. He closed the door behind him and locked it using the key with the yellow cover on the top of it. After pulling the key out of the slot he walked over to his car wearing his black dress shoes, a pair of faded jeans, a freshly ironed white shirt and a tan blazer. He slid into his car and slid the key in the ignition.

VROOOOMMMM! The car said. He pulled out of his parking spot and speed down the highway switching lanes like Jurmane Dupri and Jay-Z did in the mid 90s. 60 mph. 70 mph. 80 mph. 90 mph. He saw his exit, down shifted and crossed over three lanes at once to get off the highway in time. He pulled up to the bar, slid back out of his car and walked over to his favorite waitress.

“Hey, I saved your table for you,” she told him. “Will you be having the usual?”

“Yes I will. Thanks,” he responded as he sat down at the table on the west side of the bar. Just minutes later the waitress came walking back with a tall glass and a bottle of fruit punch Gatorade. She set down a couple of cup holders and placed both the cup and the Gatorade bottle on one of the coasters and said, “I’ll be back in a few with you food.”

He thanked her and she faded back into the dark. He twisted of the top of the bottle and poured it’s contents into a tilted glass as the game started. Two minutes into the game the waitress brought out his food while his team was already down eight points. He was starving. He ate rapidly as his team continued to get pounded on the glass and on the scoreboard. At halftime they were down 26 points. Half way through the third they were down 31. By the end of the third the lead was up to 34 points and he was cursing the day the star player of that team was born.

At the beginning of the fourth quarter he finished off his third bottle of Gatorade. He staggered over to the bartender and asked for another one. The bartender noticed that he was already way too drunk and had to cut him off.

“What do you mean you’re cutting me off?! Do you know how often I come here?” he yelled at the top of his lungs. “You’ll regret this mother fucker,” he slurred as he threw a bottle across the bar. He looked back up at the television and the deficit was at 30. This sent him into a rage, he punched a hole in the wall and stormed out of the bar.

He jumped back into his car and started flying down the city streets, going 70 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone. As he pulled up to an intersection, he didn’t notice that everyone in the left hand lane, the lane he was in, was making a left hand turn, and the line was stalled. He pulled within 100 yards of the last car in line before he realized there was no way he was going to be able to stop in time before slamming into the back of the VW Jetta, he turned left and his car bowled over the center divider – when there was no one in the lane going his direction to his immediate right.

His car turned into a monster truck and all of the other cars turned into a Hot Wheels. He flew down the road until he came to the intersection everyone else was trying to get into and made that left hand turn before he ran into the oncoming traffic. His turn was a bit wild and he smashed a few parked cars with the enormous wheels of his monster truck. He continued to cruise and noticed that he’d pulled into a park with some big event going on.

For some reason, it was mid-day again, even though when he went to the bar to watch the game, it was 6:00 p.m. He pulled over and walked over to the registration table.

“We’ve been waiting for you,” said Patrick Ewing as he handed him his plate. While pointing behind him “Just walk over there for your bottle.”

He walked toward the lady Ewing pointed at and though while taking the short stroll, “that couldn’t have been Patrick Ewing, could it?”

He walked up to the lady standing next to a 15-foot long chest and she said, “Hey man, where have you been. The festivities have been dull without you. Well, I don’t care that you’re late, I’m just glad you’re here,” she said while flipping up one latch every foot on the chest. “What kind do you want?” she asked while reaching into a chest full of ice and soft drinks.

“What the hell is this?” he asked.

“You got it, one Hawaiian Punch coming up,” and she pulled out a two liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch and handed it to him. While pointing she said, you can start right over there. We were short on people this year so you can just reach into the bag and get as much as you want. Oh, and before I forget, here’s your shirt.

She handed him a shirt that said Potato Chip Tasting Festival 2008. He grabbed the shirt and noticed that he wasn’t wearing one, so he slipped the shirt on over his head and let it drop over his torso.

He walked over the table the lady pointed at and saw a very big bag of Dorritos. He looked around confused, shrugged his shoulders, placed the two liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch under his arm and used his right hand to grab the handful of Dorritos he’d immediately put on his white paper plate.

As he ate his Dorritos he walked over to other tables and got different types of chips before he saw an extended line of people waiting to talk to this old white man. He walked over to the end of the line and waited to meet the old white man. The man’s assistant saw him standing in line and yelled “Hey Phillip! What are you doing way back there? Get your ass up here, you know you don’t have to wait for anything around here.”

He walked up to the front of the line and the old white man was Billy Bob Thorton! And his assistant was Kimberly, the Pink Ranger from the first season from the Power Rangers!

Phillip talked to Billy Bob and learned that there were all kinds of celebrities at the Potato Chip Tasting Festival and they were all taking pictures with fans. As they talked, Star Jones flashed a picture from her Polaroid Camera. When it printed out, both Phillip and Billy Bob were smiling and giving the thumbs up, except neither one of them did that. Billy Bob told him that Mickey Mouse was just north of them and was taking pictures too – while doing the jail pose! You know what it is, crouched down with all of the pressure on the balls of his toes with his arms in the air. Wild.

Phillip walked over to Mickey Mouse and saw that he was wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses and a backwards Yankees hat. He was also wearing the jeans, white shirt and blazer Phillip was wearing earlier. At that moment, Phillip noticed that he was wearing noting but the Chip Festival shirt the lady gave him and his boxers – and so was everyone else! Phillip continued walking over to Mickey Mouse, his bottle of Hawaiian Punch was replaced with an autograph book with Donald Duck on the cover and he was suddenly in Toon Town…

That’s when I woke up. This is the first dream I can remember vividly in a while. I wish I could say I was creative enough to make that shit up, but I didn’t. I really dreamt all of that shit. Wild.

It’s Father’s Day. I’m going to celebrate another 365 of not impregnating anyone. I can wait another decade before I have people buying shit for me on the third Sunday of every June. I’m good on that one. I’d just like to thank my dad for being the sports fan he is because I wouldn’t be me today if it weren’t for that. Until tomorrow,

Stay Hideous
-PB

(Word count to date: 13,638
91 days and 86,362 words to go)