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Four days in a row. I wonder how long I’ll be able to keep this up. I have to thank one of my newer, better friends for keeping me on top of my game thus far. I definitely wouldn’t be doing this every day if it weren’t for her, I’m not even going to lie. Also, because of her, I’m in a race to one million words. I can’t stop until I reach that milestone. A lot of writing, a lot of reading, a lot of improvement… With that being said, I guess we can get into today’s blog :/

Sometimes words pour from my fingertips onto the keyboard and simultaneously onto the screen I happen to be staring through. It’s hard for me to break the barriers of that first paragraph when the topic is still at large, when you have an idea of what you want to write about, but you’re still not sure exactly how everything is going to be played out when the work is all said and done. For my stream of thought to come onto the paper with no problems I need a clear head, a full stomach and I might even need the stars to be aligned. Today, however, my head is anything but empty, I’m hungry as shit and the stars are forming lines like kindergarteners right now. 126 words in, and I still don’t know exactly what I’m writing about, I know at some point this is going to eventually lead to me being frustrated, but about what? I’m not sure...

...There are so many things that are running through my mind right now, none of which anyone will ever know about because of my inability to open up to anyone. You often hear ones thought process compared to a train, you know, a train of thought, and I have one of those. But with mounting frustrations that single train of thought turns into several trains of thought, all of which seem to be on the same track. There’s been a trend in my head lately where I’d be thinking about something, then some other thought will come with a head full of steam and collide with the original thought. Instead of losing the original thought, or the one that collide with it, both of them lay destroyed around that proverbial track, with all of the parts scrambled together (which may be the cause of these re-occurring migraines I’ve been getting the last few weeks)...

...I know this seems random and is lacking logic because I just went back and re-read the last two paragraphs and two things occurred to me while reading them. 1) This blog is going nowhere fast and 2) I may have a bigger problem than just frustration...

...With Kevin Garnett in the NBA Finals, I’ve been hearing the phrase “his biggest strength is his biggest weakness,” with the way he is so unselfish. He often passes up great looks for himself to get others involved. His selflessness is his greatest strength for three quarters, but when this continues into the fourth quarter, when superstars are supposed to dominate, this becomes his greatest weakness. He only plays one way, unselfish. I only play one way, too. And I’ve come to realize that my greatest strength has become my greatest weakness...

...Through the years I’ve prided myself on being able to suppress emotion and turn anything negative into a personal positive. People go through shit, it happens, and I tend to keep the shit I go through to myself. No one needs to know about my problems, because in my eyes, having this knowledge is the only way to expose any real weakness I have. I’ve always felt, if your weaknesses cannot be exposed, then you have no weakness. Because of this, I HAVE NO WEAKNESS. The only things that bother me are the only things no one knows about. How can I be exposed when you don’t know what to expose? I can’t be. You don’t know my life, therefore you cannot negatively affect my life. Everything, whether it be good or bad, happens because I either let it happen or did not attempt to stop it from happening...

...People take this personal philosophy and confuse it for not having any feelings when in reality, my feelings are probably more developed than yours because I know how to control them. I have friends that seriously complain about my assumed inability to show emotion. What they don’t understand is that it isn’t a lack of ability but more of a personal choice. I choose not to show emotion, and I’m damn good at keeping it to myself, and I have every intention on keeping it that way. I don’t need you telling me how to feel after something is accomplished, something or someone is lost, when others are down, after breakups etc. I know what you want me to feel, and I probably feel it 20 times harder than you do. So what if I’ve never cried over a girl or I don’t sound sympathetic when you do. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one of my male friends who hasn’t cried because of a girl. Does this mean I don’t have any feelings, or I don’t show emotion, to them, probably. And in any case, I could probably give two fucks and be done with it, but now this whole thing has become a weakness...

...When you spend your whole life not giving an inch, people tend to either take a mile when you give a centimeter or just not take anything at all. The former is okay with me, people are fucking greedy and that’s something that I’m use to, I’m over it, but the ladder, however, bothers me. When a guy spends 21 years showing no emotion at all and decides to show a little slither and people just brush it off like it was nothing, that shit gets frustrating. When I say something that reveals a little about myself, I mean whatever it is I said about 290378 times more than how it sounded, and people don’t understand this. When you’re not understood, it leads to frustration, and frustration leads to more frustration, and more frustration leads to colliding trains and migraines. Now, I’m at stuck at those conjectural cross roads with a train headed my way in both directions. I need to get on one, but I don’t know which to get on because there’s now way for me to tell where the hell they’re going or if I’m just going to end up being hurt from being in a one of those collisions. How do I conflate these trains without an accident? How do I even know which of these never ending fancied steam engines I should even bring together? How does KG do it? I guess it’s one of those things I’m going to have to figure out by myself, because if I asked for help, I’d have to open up, and I’m not willing to expose my weakness, even though paradoxically, that is my weakness...

Stay Hideous
-PB

(Word count to date: 3,335)